Just got home from the Sai Centre in Ottawa, where we sang bhajans and devotional songs as part of the regular Sunday program. I walked in to a song about Radha and Krishna, which brought tears to my eyes. It’s been hard to find the tears lately, the release that I need so much. I’m grateful to be at home during this time, surrounded by my amazing parents (Mom who is always happy no matter what, Dad who is calm and even-keeled) and my brother who brings a fresh young perspective to everything, and reminds me of Drake and hip-hop and working out and just enjoying life, not taking anything too seriously. I’ve had a lot of anger lately at life in general, wondering how I’m going to make it through, but deep down knowing that I already have.
I was distracted in my thoughts, then riveted in the present moment by the most beautiful voice of a young man, probably in his twenties. I had never heard anything like it and I let the sounds pierce my wretched heart. (ok there is me being dramatic again!). At the end of the singing, we watched a discourse from Satya Sai Baba, who is an enlightened being whose religion of love and motto of “Love All, Serve All” spreads love throughout the world and continues to inspire millions who dedicate themselves to service in his name. He passed away a few years ago, but his spirit and influence lives on. It was great to hear his voice, coming straight from the heart, speaking of how to purify your heart from hatred, anger, and jealousy. Jealousy is a big one for me! I never thought I was the jealous type, but lately I’ve discovered that quality within myself and it ain’t pretty. And there is bitterness too. But over-arching is my ache and my desire to better myself, to enjoy this very moment and appreciate life. In the discourse, Sai Baba spoke of how he always laughs when people wish him Happy Birthday, because he is always happy, every second, every minute. He doesn’t wait once a year to be happy. Ok I get his point, but I love my birthday! It actually reminds me of why I was born and makes me feel immense gratitude. He was wearing a white cotton robe and his hair was messy, and he looked so simple yet radiated so much love and light. My parents were a little frustrated with the translation since it kept overlapping with his speaking, but overall it was a pleasure to listen to. I was sitting next to my Mom, who was immersed in prayer, and my Dad was on the other side (men and women are separated), sitting at the back where all the cool kids sit.
We went downstairs for food and it was so nice to be served a heaping plate of Indian saks (potatoes, paneer, channa masala) and of course the sweets which are always the best part. I sat with my Dad and Srikant Uncle and another man whose name I didn’t catch, and I ate mostly in silence since some of the bad feelings were overtaking me. They have been deep down for awhile, and seem to surface at certain times. It’s quite overwhelming. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this week, I will see if we can increase the dosage of my medication or do something so that I can keep going and do the things that I love. It’s hard to believe that I’m back here but such is life I guess. My Mom came and joined us after serving which always brings a smile to my face. She is a glowing light!! She introduced me to a friend who asked if I lived in Toronto. Of course Toronto always makes me light up!! It’s my city after all. I’m going back there this coming weekend and I can’t wait! I then ran into Renu Auntie who I hadn’t seen in ages (I used to have a big crush on her son Rahul when I was young, every time Tuje Dekha Ho Yeh Janna Sanam would play, I would think of him). I told her that her son was so good-looking and she said that he is married with two kids now! On my way out, I was called over by a very happy grandmother, who looked like she was in her eighties and treated me like her daughter (“I just want to hug you!” she said). I have never seen such a happy person. She thought that I was my sister who she had met in India at the Puttaparthi ashram. She asked if I spoke Tamil which I didn’t (although people tell me that I look Tamil lol!). Then we left and drove home, stopping to fill up gas at the Costco which is crazy because it looks like you’re at customs with the crazy long line-ups.
Also my Dad said that he would pay for me to go to Iceland with my friend Jasmine which is super exciting! I’ve been wanting to go for awhile so it would be amazing if that works out. There is also a wedding in Phoenix that I want to go in December, and my friend Neesha’s batchelorete party in Vegas, and also her wedding in Mexico next year which will be amazing. So many exciting things ahead! Iceland is off-season in October but that just means better deals. K now I’m thinking about jobs and money, so I’m off to see what’s out there. I am really dying to work!