In Between The Pauses

Embers of fury

follow me, creating pathways into

the fissures of my heart,

unrelenting in the face of my

determined despair.

Why does the wind blow in the

direction of passivity?

Why do the red birds take me on a

journey without any clues?

The beauty of life seems to radiate the most

in between the pauses.

My soul awaits,

gasping for air,

overwhelmed by the pain and the virtue,

that interlock and intertwine,

and enhance each other through their filters.

The beaten path makes me weary,

yet knows me more than I wish to admit,

reveals more of me with every turn.

Movie Review: By the Sea

In this dramatic and often dark film, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie play a troubled couple on the verge of destruction (funny how life often mirrors art isn’t it?). The movie was filmed on their honeymoon in 2015. Jolie plays Vanessa, a former dancer – now depressed and unable to commit herself to anything, and Pitt plays Roland, a struggling writer. They have been married for 14 years, and things have taken a turn for the worse.

The cinematography in this film is absolutely stunning. Set in a French beachtown, with gorgeous beaches and expansive views, the dark mood is in stark contrast with the beauty that surrounds them. Or is it? It is often said that beauty is most vivid during times of pain. The movie is filmed in Malta on the island of Goza, and if you’ve never been there before, this film will motivate you to add it to your bucket list.

There are many tension-filled scenes throughout the movie. It is almost cringe-worthy to witness how Vanessa berates her husband over his lack of success as a writer. She knows exactly how to get him where it hurts the most. And on his end, he is often very forceful and unsympathetic about her depression and growing distaste of him.

A big part of the movie is the relationship that Vanessa and Roland have with the young, happy couple that are staying in the room beside them. The couple are light-hearted and carefree, and ooze sexuality and playfulness. Vanessa discovers a peephole from her bedroom, and watches them in fascination, getting a glimpse of what her marriage could be, or maybe what it once was. Roland tries to stay away from the beautiful blonde, perhaps because he has been drawn to indiscretions in the past.

Throughout the movie you wonder, what on earth could have brought Vanessa and Roland to this state? We do eventually learn the cause of their pain which helps the viewer make sense of their level of hostility and downright hatred towards each other at times. It’s hard to tell if they even love each other at all – maybe they did once, but the love became twisted because of the hardships they experienced – rather than sticking together, they somehow turned against each other.

brad-and-angie-by-the-sea
Pitt & Jolie, ‘By the Sea’

In terms of the acting, Angelina and Brad are at their best. It always amazes me that super famous celebrities can still manage to convince us that they are other people, despite the fact that we know so much about them and they are so familiar.

SPOILER ALERT: One of my favourite scenes is when they finally make love, and he gets into the bathtub with her while she is taking a bath. There is nothing sexier than a man who isn’t afraid to get a little wet. ;-)

I wonder how Brad and Angelina would feel re-watching this movie now. Although I hear that actors often don’t watch their own work, so maybe they won’t ever watch this film. Although if I was an actor, I would probably watch my films over and over.

Overall I would give this movie a 6/10, which is pretty generous. The movie definitely makes you reflect on the tumultuous nature of relationships, and reflect on your own patterns. There are moments of depth and reflection, and of course there are those beautiful views.

When we die on the inside, the outside is left wandering dangerously by the sea.

It is by the sea, that sometimes a sense of peace arrives… and at other times, all it reveals are troubled waters beneath.

As It Should Be

Often times we think that things should be different than they are. ‘If only’ this wasn’t happening right now, or if that person acted differently, then we would feel better, happier, more fulfilled. Something that I try to remind myself of is that everything is exactly as it should be. There is perfection in the universe, and even in pain, there is love, and there are peonies (as my beautiful friend Gosia once said to me). There are many things I will never know the answer to, and when I get frustrated, or feel alone, or ready to tell the stories that live inside of me, then I write.

Everything is as it should be
My moonlit secrets, his lost ways
Your dance with the Truth and the little girl’s plea
Everything is as it should be
The abundance of joy and the quest to be free
I no longer think of wasted days
Everything is as it should be
My moonlit secrets, his lost ways

What helps you to accept the craziness of life? To make sense of it all?

She’s Come Undone

I chose this title for my blog because I loved the book with the same name –  it’s about a girl that becomes slightly unravelled. Kind of like me. I have to read it again and figure out what it is that is revealed, what is it that lies underneath it all. Underneath all the lies and beliefs and stories that we tell ourselves. What is at your very core? I have been trying to peel back the layers for so long, and it’s difficult because it’s all a mystery. Coming undone is also letting loose, not caring so much about what other people think, exposing your heart and vulnerabilities. Allowing madness to enter your life. I have come undone in many ways; here’s to putting myself back together again, or realizing that I am already whole.

Here’s a definition I found on english.stackexchange.com that works well:

defn

Be careful with that gift. If it comes undone, they’ll be able to see inside. Yes it’s true. My whole life I’ve wanted to hide what’s inside, the vulnerable heart, the sensitivity, insecurities, the deep desire for everyone to be happy. If you see inside, then what is left of me?

A plan can come undone meaning it hasn’t worked as expected. A person can come undone meaning that they have lost their composure or self-control. Lately it seems that I’ve made all kinds of plans, and life has taken me on a different route. A route that I have ultimate faith in, but is terrifying and often feels like everything is falling apart. I’ve lost my composure, and although I maintain a pretty good outward appearance, on the inside it’s been somewhat of a disaster. A wondrous mix of disaster and bliss.

And there is this definition, about becoming undone by accident and no longer binding to anything.

defn2

It opens by accident and no longer binds to anything.  This represents the state of being free of everything, unbounded, boundless, limitless. A deep realization that the essence of who you are is everything that is, and that everything is exactly how it should be. Most of the time I am bound to people, things, responsibilities, emotions, self-concepts, the past, the future, my appearance, my body, etc. And then there are moments when I feel completely still, and all the noise settles. Moments of pure stillness. Do I have to become undone to experience the Truth of Who I Really Am?