The Book I Never Wrote

One of my favourite songs is My Way by Frank Sinatra. Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again too few to mention. I did what I had to do, I saw it through without exemption. I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway. And more, much more than this, I did it my way.

Regrets are intensified when you feel as though something is missing in your life, and you start thinking, If only I’d done this, then things would be better. A fruitless exercise, but the mind is fruitless that way. There are certain situations and conversations that trigger regrets.

Tomorrow I’m facilitating a book club with my friend and author Reema Patel, who I met in a poetry class at U of T back in 2013. At the time, we connected and I shared one of my short stories with her called The Perfect Wife, and she gave me some amazing feedback. She said she was excited to see where it goes and whether I was going to expand it into a “short story or a novella.” She even suggested that we start “a writing club where we edit each other’s work!” You would think I would’ve jumped at the opportunity considering that I wasn’t working at the time and spending time writing, dancing, and exploring, but instead I said something to the effect of I would consider it “once I had my shit together”. (Note to self: Never wait to get your shit together. Your shit is never together). Over the 10 years that passed since then, Reema worked on her book which is now published by Penguin Random House. And I am writing this blog post (don’t get me wrong, I love you all).

Of course I’m semi-joking, because I’ve done many wonderful things since 2013 that I’m proud of – but it’s always the things you don’t do that make you wonder. I think the reason that regrets take hold of our minds is that we forget about those amazing things, and assume that Plan B would’ve been better and more satisfying. But alas all we can do is learn from the past and steer the ship accordingly. Move that ship faster and more daringly from now on!

I’ve started going into the office once a week as per our new company guidelines (rules), and it is definitely fun to see everyone. At the same time the commute can be long and annoying – on my way home there were shuttle buses from Keele station (luckily Keele was my stop), but I could see the sea of umbrellas filling the sidewalk. Nowadays I find that if I feel down about the TTC (which should be renamed ‘Take The Car’), it’s more because I see older people that look tired – also the miserable faces of commuters don’t help much. Last week I was in a good mood going into work so I was a little cocky – I thought, why doesn’t everyone just smile a little!! Geez people. Today I was one of those grumpy faces, because of bad dreams from the night before, stepping outside and encountering dog sh&*t (which I thought I’d left behind in Liberty Village – but apparently this is a widespread Toronto problem), and also because I couldn’t find my work access card, so I had to rush out without it.

My grandma facetimed me at lunchtime asking when I was coming to England – “in a month” I replied in Gujarati (she is counting down the days), and my uncle texted saying that he was looking forward to seeing me when I land.

Last night I had the most amazing spicy Mysore dosa at a hole in the wall South Indian restaurant in the Junction. Tonight I’m going to see Anastasia Minster perform, a beautiful singer. The studio is just around the corner from me – it seems like a cozy venue and the perfect thing to do on a rainy evening.

Can’t wait for all the travel that’s around the corner! See ya rainy Toronto! ;-)