Winter at Dusk

It was dusk,
And I decided to wander off the beaten path, the one
that was taking me safely back home,
without much adventure.

I came across tiny footprints imprinted in the soft snow,
and followed the clues to a large open field,
guided by trees reaching into the sky, striving to be
none other than themselves.

As this pretty sight beheld me,
I felt my heart glow,
like it does to the characters on Jane the Virgin
(you know when they show that golden light around their hearts).

“I can’t believe it’s March,” I thought to myself,
as the vast Canadian winter
stretched out before me.

A woman called out to her dog “Riley, it’s time to go!”
The dog didn’t listen —
But instead stopped to scamper through the cattails
and eye me suspiciously.

I took a video for my Instagram friends
And a few pics as well.
Which filter shall I use?
Which one will bring the experience most to life,
And which one will get the most likes? (come on we all know we
think it before we post it!).

Of course I had to include a little bit of me in the clip,
placed in the middle of the scene as if in a movie.
The sky was shades of purple and blue and pink,
And I could hear an owl hooting in the background.

It was hard to leave, as it always is —
When surrounded by such beauty, and while standing in the light.
But I turned my back, knowing it still stood there,
And would still be there again tomorrow.

A New Day

A new day. A new opportunity to make conversation with a stranger, to wish a friend happy birthday, to smile and secretly hope that your smile will be returned in kind, to tackle your to-do list, to love and to be loved. To FaceTime your sister and catch up on things that in reality would take years to catch up on. To make that neglected phone call, to share a meal with a friend or alone, but not really alone, in that much needed solitude. To think about those who have touched your life, and wonder if you may have meant as much to them, and whether they still think of you. To try and see the good in the world, and to engage in it, even when you don’t like what you see. To read another page, another chapter, hoping to devour the whole book, wishing that the day could go on forever so that you could memorize all the words. To have those moments that are so good that you want to close your eyes and freeze time, and stretch the moment further and further and draw circles around it. To collapse in your bed exhausted and spent. To dream, and to surrender to the magical act of sleep, where consciousness shifts to unconsciousness. And to start it all over again tomorrow.

Merry Christmas!

What a wonderful Christmas day!! It was so nice spending it with my family – sleeping in, going for a drive through snowy roads, cooking together, and having a fabulous Christmas dinner (tofurkey – vegetarian style).

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Me and my sister, Shirley’s Bay, Ottawa

Here is a little Christmas poem, inspired by the day, and the meaning of Christmas. Hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!

Christmas Day

Snow falls softly,
amongst the evergreens.
A mother gently nudges her
children awake; while
gifts and treasures await –
On Christmas day.

Walking through the woods,
Taking pictures in the snow
Sisters laugh and pose, while
a father captures a cherished moment.
The faded sun looks on, peeking
through the treetops.

What did Santa get me? Did he listen
to my heart?
The sound of yesterday’s carols hum
in my mind, while
I close my eyes and wish anew,
for joy and love and peace to all.

She’s Come Undone

I chose this title for my blog because I loved the book with the same name –  it’s about a girl that becomes slightly unravelled. Kind of like me. I have to read it again and figure out what it is that is revealed, what is it that lies underneath it all. Underneath all the lies and beliefs and stories that we tell ourselves. What is at your very core? I have been trying to peel back the layers for so long, and it’s difficult because it’s all a mystery. Coming undone is also letting loose, not caring so much about what other people think, exposing your heart and vulnerabilities. Allowing madness to enter your life. I have come undone in many ways; here’s to putting myself back together again, or realizing that I am already whole.

Here’s a definition I found on english.stackexchange.com that works well:

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Be careful with that gift. If it comes undone, they’ll be able to see inside. Yes it’s true. My whole life I’ve wanted to hide what’s inside, the vulnerable heart, the sensitivity, insecurities, the deep desire for everyone to be happy. If you see inside, then what is left of me?

A plan can come undone meaning it hasn’t worked as expected. A person can come undone meaning that they have lost their composure or self-control. Lately it seems that I’ve made all kinds of plans, and life has taken me on a different route. A route that I have ultimate faith in, but is terrifying and often feels like everything is falling apart. I’ve lost my composure, and although I maintain a pretty good outward appearance, on the inside it’s been somewhat of a disaster. A wondrous mix of disaster and bliss.

And there is this definition, about becoming undone by accident and no longer binding to anything.

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It opens by accident and no longer binds to anything.  This represents the state of being free of everything, unbounded, boundless, limitless. A deep realization that the essence of who you are is everything that is, and that everything is exactly how it should be. Most of the time I am bound to people, things, responsibilities, emotions, self-concepts, the past, the future, my appearance, my body, etc. And then there are moments when I feel completely still, and all the noise settles. Moments of pure stillness. Do I have to become undone to experience the Truth of Who I Really Am?